Sad passage

Yesterday, was a rough day. Trying emotionally. And it took a sharp nosedive when I got home from work. As I walked up on the porch, my mom greeted me with a sad face and said she had bad news. My eyes darted up my daughter, who was sobbing. It seems our cat, Butters, had gotten hit by a car and didn’t survive. I looked down on the chair as I made my way up to the porch and she was lying there, a towel over her face, and it was a bloody scene. Immediately, I went into shock. I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t process what was happening.

The street had a big mark, reminiscent of a crime scene. So, I gathered her up into a box, took a quick look at her face (wish I didn’t), and all of us went to the vet with her for the last visit she’d ever be on.

I thought I was ok, until this morning when I pretty much became catatonic. And crying, and just heartbroken. It’s so hard for me to believe my little one is gone. She was the sweetest cat, and some idiot just hit her and kept on going. And, I feel guilty. Terribly guilty. All of those friends and acquaintances who keep their cats inside are right. I tried with Butters, I really did. But she was born on the street, was a merciless hunter and wouldn’t be denied. She kept escaping, at a certain point, I just had to let her be.

My dog is 13, and starting to fail too. I’m really socked by this. I was ready for him, but not her. My God.

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Positive evidence diary

I am using an app and it is helping me with my depression. One of the things it asked me to do was to create a list of positive things that I am doing throughout the day. I am surprised not only at how little work this was but also how much progress it makes me realize I have made. I bested my personal time with regard to the amount of steps I do a day from barely making 8502 making over 16,000.
Along the way I have noticed, that when doing new things to make way with depression, it seems like the smallest task can feel so overwhelming.  Which is why I am glad that this app has allowed me to take stock of my activities over time and that is gradually asked me to increase activities.  Recently, I have become aware of my fear of social interactions with new people in a big group. I normally I’m very outgoing with people, but when I am in larger group I experience anxiety, and also when attending new events, I feel afraid and a bit claustrophobic.
It’s taking me time to realize that I’m very comfortable with my normal pattern. In fact, when I watch the movie Her, it made me aware of how similar I am to the main character. In that regard, I am often stuck with my  comfortable ways, and don’t want to come out of those. It takes awhile for me to make a new change.  What I tend to do is awfulize it and project fears of what the new changes are going to entail, and I remain stuck in a holding pattern of fear.  So, I am glad that I’ve broken through a wall, and then moving forward this will continue.

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Saying goodbye to the pity party

Tonight I made a concerted effort to get my ass out on the street and move. And move I did I made more steps than I have in a long time. At work we have this promotion going where you have to make at least 10,000 steps a day or at least work towards that.
In general I’ve been feeling pretty disappointed with life. I get jealous of other people’s successes and I suffer from fear of missing out. The truth is I’ve been full of hurt for a long time over many things mostly trusting other people with new relationships and friendships and disappointment about where I am in my current life. Also I’m very critical of myself and I don’t take the time to acknowledge my successes.
But tonight I’m very proud of the steps I’ve taken towards breaking through that bullshit. It was time when I was walking so much that I actually thought so no I’m going to faint I start to relive those moments in that Zumba class last year when I sustained a serious head injury after fainting. I got so mad that it’s taking me so long to just get back on the horse and find my courage I don’t know how other athletes do it, maybe they have to go to a sports medicine psychologist.  I kind of dropped out of the scene for a while.
And I was also very angry that the teacher of this particular class didn’t take the time to consider the surface of the floor under what your students were  working out on. My head hit solid concrete and I’m very lucky I am still here and that it was only a concussion and I have scar I bear.
Unfortunately I listen to my mothers scared voice and I did not push on to get back into sports the way I had before I also had a longer recovery period than I had anticipated.
It feels so good to know that I’m back in the driver’s seat and that I have control. Now I just need to push this momentum forward.

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Trials and tribulations

It was a long winter,  and more than that I was dealing with family, work,  and personal stresses. We had a family member who was staying with us who needed a lot of medical care.  She returned to the nursing home, and is staying there for the duration. 
I am getting into fitness,  but have lost some ground.  I’m so sick of logging my food,  so I do it sporadically.  But I Continue reading

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Come about

I needed some time off to clear my mind, my plate and reorganize. This summer, I took a chill pill, stopped the hateration bus, and went on vacation…with my ex-husband and our daughter. I was more fun than I can possibly tell you. And its good to see that what fell apart years ago in a wash of anger, toxicity, and mistrust has settled down and remained as a good partnership.

I put on a few pounds, and enjoyed the ride. I returned to my former Zumba class, decided it wasn’t for me anymore, and left. And didn’t feel guilty about it. A lot has been put into perspective by a co-worker who’s struggling with cancer. The gist of her message was that you don’t know how long you’ve got, no matter how long you’ve slaved away and sacrificed for your retirement. She most likely isn’t going to see it, and her words reminded me of that song from Rent, no day but today.

I joined a Weight Watchers at Work meeting and the first week I lost 1.6. I hadn’t been able to do that all summer. And can I just say how important community and support are? Thank you.

I’m about to go to a book group meeting tonight that was a comedy of errors when I took the reins for this month. I gave out the wrong book title, so half the people have read one title and the other half read the leader’s selection. All of this because once again I have taken on too much. I’ve been with them for 2 years and it started out with a control freaky leader who abruptly left a few months into this new meetup without any reason given, and I and another person took over and began organizing it. She’s done most of the organizing and I know my mistakes this month have really galled her, but I’m human. And I’m a busy working mom with a kid involved in sports and activities. This group is NOT the center of my life. It is one facet in it.

Over the years, I’ve come to accept that meetups grow and some die, and you join then you leave. It is the way of life. I hope for the best tonight but I am not sticking around for negative drama.

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Had enough?

I didn’t post for months mostly because I was experiencing a crisis. Before this accident happened, I was preoccupied with things, orthorexia being among them and was having a hard time recovering from the setback of not being able to workout, and the loss if the community I belonged to with my Zumba class.
My instructor worried for me, and in fairness I did too. I entered a period of limbo, of fear and limits. It took me awhile to find my way. My first Zumba class back I was half-dizzy with worry and didn’t bring it even though I could.

So far, I haven’t been back. I did, however, watch a few documentaries this past week that changed my thinking: May I Be Frank, Dirt: The Movie, and Hungry for Change. As a result of this, I began to realize how I was sabotaging myself of late (self-loathing) and began a foray into whole food eating (more raw) and adding chia seeds.
I feel overall more centered and confident. And I realize what I want for my health. It’s more than just pounds, it’s achievement.

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Back on track

Mid-February, I started to notice something. I stopped getting dizzy upon exertion. I began to increase my time gradually, re-accustom myself to the feeling of sweat, the headlines of hard aerobics, the joy of blood pounding throughout my body…the utter rush of accomplishment.
Now, in March, I allowed myself to understand how I blocked my own progress by being impetuous.
I counseled someone a few days ago that the hardest thing about losing weight is time. Accepting that it will take more than effort of will with food and exercise is fundamental to longevity of your goal.
For me, I chose not a size or image, but an internal model of health. I’ve seen people choose the knife over common sense efforts to weight loss, and it scares me. I don’t want to be in debt for an image, I want to be beautiful through health. Diabetes runs like a dark secret river through my family’s history, and I’ve seen it wreak havoc with plenty of people I care about.
I will move heaven and earth to prevent it from taking a foothold in my life.
But these things take time. It’s almost been a year. I’m still not at goal, but I’ve re-awakened. And I’m breaking through my setbacks. I’m close to breaking this weight plateau. I will do it.

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