Had enough?

I didn’t post for months mostly because I was experiencing a crisis. Before this accident happened, I was preoccupied with things, orthorexia being among them and was having a hard time recovering from the setback of not being able to workout, and the loss if the community I belonged to with my Zumba class.
My instructor worried for me, and in fairness I did too. I entered a period of limbo, of fear and limits. It took me awhile to find my way. My first Zumba class back I was half-dizzy with worry and didn’t bring it even though I could.

So far, I haven’t been back. I did, however, watch a few documentaries this past week that changed my thinking: May I Be Frank, Dirt: The Movie, and Hungry for Change. As a result of this, I began to realize how I was sabotaging myself of late (self-loathing) and began a foray into whole food eating (more raw) and adding chia seeds.
I feel overall more centered and confident. And I realize what I want for my health. It’s more than just pounds, it’s achievement.

Back on track

Mid-February, I started to notice something. I stopped getting dizzy upon exertion. I began to increase my time gradually, re-accustom myself to the feeling of sweat, the headlines of hard aerobics, the joy of blood pounding throughout my body…the utter rush of accomplishment.
Now, in March, I allowed myself to understand how I blocked my own progress by being impetuous.
I counseled someone a few days ago that the hardest thing about losing weight is time. Accepting that it will take more than effort of will with food and exercise is fundamental to longevity of your goal.
For me, I chose not a size or image, but an internal model of health. I’ve seen people choose the knife over common sense efforts to weight loss, and it scares me. I don’t want to be in debt for an image, I want to be beautiful through health. Diabetes runs like a dark secret river through my family’s history, and I’ve seen it wreak havoc with plenty of people I care about.
I will move heaven and earth to prevent it from taking a foothold in my life.
But these things take time. It’s almost been a year. I’m still not at goal, but I’ve re-awakened. And I’m breaking through my setbacks. I’m close to breaking this weight plateau. I will do it.

Moving forward

I have successfully completed 3 workouts. They were shorter in duration than what I’m used to. Also, at the end of each, I felt completely done. I mean weak, fatigued.
I’m beginning to think that the CT scan missed a concussion. Today was the first day I felt better, that is until I did 20 on the treadmill today. I was beginning to feel that spacing out a few minutes before I would get faint. My heart was palpitating too. Wtf is wrong with me?
I’m getting so frustrated. I felt fine.
I can’t go back to Zumba without getting a doctor’s note first.
I was spacing out and feeling foggy again post-workout. Dinner helped bring back the focus. I’ve got to be more patient.

Injured list

Saturday, I woke up pumped for Zumba class. I went there, worked it, but towards the end of the class, I began to get increasingly dizzy. When I left the floor, I reached for my water and blacked out.
I came to, disoriented, bleeding, and in pain. I had fainted, hit my head, and was sent to the ER.
I had sustained a laceration to my forehead, lip, badly bruised my knees and hands, and banged up my face.
The second day was the awakening to pain and soreness. Today, I am still feeling weak and limit my activities ( hard for someone who is used to being on the go and working out 6 times a week) plus parenting/sports.
I’m realizing that I’ve been rushing, my mind has been on high stress alert, and I slough off compliments. I haven’t felt enough. I don’t feel like I can admit my accomplishments and celebrate them, because I don’t want to until I’ve reached my goal weight.
But is that what’s this journey’s all driven by? When I started out, I just wanted to get healthy. And I am. I don’t want to believe that, at 173 pounds I’ve arrived.
What’s wrong here? I did raise my original goal to 155. So that would make 17 more pounds to goal. But I must stop and relax into this new me. I actually panic inside when I get appreciated about my new figure.
I’m going to meditate on this. Because this fall, the erratic heart rate that followed, is a wake-up call.

In the pool

I hate the awkwardness of dating. Mostly what I dislike are the stupid rules built around this convention. If I get told one more time not to chase a guy/pursue/ask, well I’m just going to ignore that.

It doesn’t apply to the situation of late anyway, but its worth mentioning anyway because I can’t stand the conventionality of rules/dating.

I used to go to a chain massage place near me and met a massage therapist I liked. S. and I were friendly, but the last time we saw each other I told him I was leaving the place and does he do work in the side? Heh, I was actually in like with him and just wanted to get to know him in a less “professional” environment. Well, he handed me off his number and we were chatting. Last week, he asked me out.

The date went nicely, I figured he was a vegan, with the part of India he was from, so I set us up at a local vegeterian restaurant. He loved it. I got the bill, breaking a long tradition of reaching into my purse for a lipstick while the guy paid.

Seems when I arrived at his place, his roommate was abruptly moving out. I didn’t know what to think of that, but I sensed his apprehension about heading out. He gave me a massage and we went out. All seemed to he going well, but at the end of the night, he wouldn’t kiss me. Pound the alarm .

He turned his head and pointed to his cheek. “Next time,” he said. And since then I have not heard from him. I wanted to text ‘hey, what’s up with the silence?’ But that’s a clingy insecure thing to do, and I’m sure if would only make me look stupid.

Besides, I did break down and text : days after, ‘cold tonight keep warm’. And again, chilling silence.

It’s my first first into dating since I took a sabbatical to regain my footing. I’m just disappointed because I really liked this guy, and he was a rare find, meaning that most of my experiences have been with online dating.

Shine bright like a diamond

Rihanna’s song was finishing my Zumba cool down ,”shine bright like a diamond,” and another rewarding workout was over. But my thoughts have turned towards those reactions around me as I’m slimming down.
Luckily, I haven’t lost any close friends, but a co-worker has distanced herself from me. I try and handle it gracefully, but I am confused. I’m still the same person. My risks for diabetes and heart disease have gone down.
I still feel like that fat girl running around, feeling like I have to give excuses for my life. For as much as we change, some things stay the same. Life is a work in production. She has made complimentary remarks, but she’ll cut our conversations short and she’s stopped her usual visits to my desk.
One neighbor kept giving me food to take home at her house, guilting me with it. It would go straight in the garbage. This only started after I had lost 10.
Now, the positives far outshine the negatives. I’ve had rave reviews, the normally quiet French are looking at me more, and I get peppered with fitness and dietary questions. Guru I am not. But I am humbled by this experience and proud.

30 pounds down

This feels great. Now, some people have noticed. I still feel a bit odd when wearing a more body- conscious dress. There’s this voice I have to work in tamping down that rears up and snarks,” now who do you think you are?” and it drones on before I shut the lid down on it.
Getting thin means facing those insecurities that my weight covered up all those years. It also can mean anxiety at the increased attention. I’m not a mess, just so you know, but this is all part of being human. Just as food intake and exercise alone don’t keep you focused…it begins with intention (which is very helpful in yoga).
I’ve done diets before, but I didn’t keep up on it because inside, I didn’t believe this was a long- term thing. And I was doing it for outside reasons: a size, a man, my illusion of a life that would magically apparate once my goal weight was achieved.
And what about my closet? I don’t hang onto sizes that are too big (just in case, a fat lie that serves as an obstacle), I bag them up and donate. Do I whine along the way? You bet. But I also pick up casual stuff at my local thrift store.
Two weeks ago, I got a few pairs of pants (one for work, yay!), and they all came to $17. That’s less than you’d get a new pair for, most places.
This is also the halfway point for me. 35 more to go. My promise is that I won’t let it come back. My commitment to myself for fitness is true to my heart. Every step I take, it’s honoring me. And I’m enjoying the journey.