I’ve kinda made a change this Lent. Decided to go Facebook – free and have kept my promise, mostly. I’ve had to boast post when my daughter made the honor roll for the first time and her basketball team won their championship game. Both times, I asked myself am I just being part of the meeeee first culture, or is this a genuine time to let it out. Since I have been pretty depressed this winter, lacking in good fortune and being stuck, I figured it was time.
I am reading a great book, similar to Wild. It’s titled Walking Home by Sonia Choquette, and in it she says a very powerful prayer, one of releasing a lot of negativity, and an intention to release past tensions, things, relationships. I felt so moved that I recited it as well, and felt something fundamentally move inside, a shift. And I did a few things that sorely needed doing.
I left a very unsatisfying part time job that was under paying me, undermining my potential, and creating a rivalry between a close friend. Out. Done.
Then I cut loose a co-worker I was carpooling with. He was not paying me and being disrespectful by repeatedly telling me last about changes in his schedule, leaving me to wait. There’s a personal aside to this as well. He had abused our friendship and kept trying to manipulate me into being a
side piece. So, I shut that door fast.
I’ve made some inroads towards things I want to do, like writing, submitting a post for publication (and getting turned down).
So I’m really relating to this book, and this woman’s search for a more spiritual path. I am on my own as well.
I’m cranky. And I got a slight chest pain. I said I didn’t care Amr the Superbowl, but I’m wrong. I hate the fact that the Patriots cheated in the playoffs and then won the Superbowl by again, cheating on the last few minutes. I hate that they celebrate a QB who left his former gf pregnant and then went on to marry a self-centered model who consistently blamed the
team for her hubby not winning.
And why does all of this get to me? Because I live my life honestly. And I believe in integrity and strength. And this isn’t reflected in the world I live in. It’s a hard place when you see others around you bending and conniving things, and they get the recognition, but you get the shaft. Just cranky tonight.
See this? This is what happens when others know (in this case a co-worker) that I’m on a plan. You get the pushy food pushers. It’s ironic that this one’s just so happens to be someone who also goes to the gym at work with me. So, she says have a cookie. I politely refuse. Then, she insists. It turns into an awkward dance, and I take one. As you can see in the photo above, that’s what I did with it. Into the garbage, without a second thought of guilt or obligation. And you should, too.
Isn’t it ironic that when we’re needing the support the most, along comes trouble?
And don’t you know, this same person came along later & asked how I liked it? Mmmhmmm. I said it was good. But, in the future, I’m going to emphasize that I am not eating even just one of whatever unhealthy fare I’m offered. My body is not a garbage machine. I’m not going to take the leftovers. No, what I plan on leaving at the table is my sciatica, back aches, stomach bulge, and feeling faint. Yeah, that’s going away as I embrace healthier habits. Amen.
I want this to be the year I stop wearing spanx. Omg, I must’ve went to at least 3 parties over the holidays that had me in pain because of those stupid undergarments. I even tore one off myself in the supermarket yesterday. Slammed it in my purse, and kept shopping. I’m impatient, I’m on fire. I’m on the 6th day of my clean eating start to the New Year. This is 2015, the year
of my foot kicking the ass of my excuses. I have to say, eating clean is a gastronomic conversion. I have felt like there has been gravel in my gut, and I am shocked how much I like a breakfast shake. It’s really filling. All these new foods to try. I am feeling a lot more energy.
Yesterday, was a rough day. Trying emotionally. And it took a sharp nosedive when I got home from work. As I walked up on the porch, my mom greeted me with a sad face and said she had bad news. My eyes darted up my daughter, who was sobbing. It seems our cat, Butters, had gotten hit by a car and didn’t survive. I looked down on the chair as I made my way up to the porch and she was lying there, a towel over her face, and it was a bloody scene. Immediately, I went into shock. I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t process what was happening.
The street had a big mark, reminiscent of a crime scene. So, I gathered her up into a box, took a quick look at her face (wish I didn’t), and all of us went to the vet with her for the last visit she’d ever be on.
I thought I was ok, until this morning when I pretty much became catatonic. And crying, and just heartbroken. It’s so hard for me to believe my little one is gone. She was the sweetest cat, and some idiot just hit her and kept on going. And, I feel guilty. Terribly guilty. All of those friends and acquaintances who keep their cats inside are right. I tried with Butters, I really did. But she was born on the street, was a merciless hunter and wouldn’t be denied. She kept escaping, at a certain point, I just had to let her be.
My dog is 13, and starting to fail too. I’m really socked by this. I was ready for him, but not her. My God.
I am using an app and it is helping me with my depression. One of the things it asked me to do was to create a list of positive things that I am doing throughout the day. I am surprised not only at how little work this was but also how much progress it makes me realize I have made. I bested my personal time with regard to the amount of steps I do a day from barely making 8502 making over 16,000.
Along the way I have noticed, that when doing new things to make way with depression, it seems like the smallest task can feel so overwhelming. Which is why I am glad that this app has allowed me to take stock of my activities over time and that is gradually asked me to increase activities. Recently, I have become aware of my fear of social interactions with new people in a big group. I normally I’m very outgoing with people, but when I am in larger group I experience anxiety, and also when attending new events, I feel afraid and a bit claustrophobic.
It’s taking me time to realize that I’m very comfortable with my normal pattern. In fact, when I watch the movie Her, it made me aware of how similar I am to the main character. In that regard, I am often stuck with my comfortable ways, and don’t want to come out of those. It takes awhile for me to make a new change. What I tend to do is awfulize it and project fears of what the new changes are going to entail, and I remain stuck in a holding pattern of fear. So, I am glad that I’ve broken through a wall, and then moving forward this will continue.
Tonight I made a concerted effort to get my ass out on the street and move. And move I did I made more steps than I have in a long time. At work we have this promotion going where you have to make at least 10,000 steps a day or at least work towards that.
In general I’ve been feeling pretty disappointed with life. I get jealous of other people’s successes and I suffer from fear of missing out. The truth is I’ve been full of hurt for a long time over many things mostly trusting other people with new relationships and friendships and disappointment about where I am in my current life. Also I’m very critical of myself and I don’t take the time to acknowledge my successes.
But tonight I’m very proud of the steps I’ve taken towards breaking through that bullshit. It was time when I was walking so much that I actually thought so no I’m going to faint I start to relive those moments in that Zumba class last year when I sustained a serious head injury after fainting. I got so mad that it’s taking me so long to just get back on the horse and find my courage I don’t know how other athletes do it, maybe they have to go to a sports medicine psychologist. I kind of dropped out of the scene for a while.
And I was also very angry that the teacher of this particular class didn’t take the time to consider the surface of the floor under what your students were working out on. My head hit solid concrete and I’m very lucky I am still here and that it was only a concussion and I have scar I bear.
Unfortunately I listen to my mothers scared voice and I did not push on to get back into sports the way I had before I also had a longer recovery period than I had anticipated.
It feels so good to know that I’m back in the driver’s seat and that I have control. Now I just need to push this momentum forward.