Its been a year of crazy ups and downs. But all it took for me to unplug from the juvenile insanity of the men’s company I’ve been keeping is a singular realization: it was all about Ibo.
Ibo was a hunky Turk I had fallen madly for last year, to the point where I no longer cared about my pride, and we fought, screwed like animals. Neither one of us would give an inch.
His issue with me was my unwillingness to marry him, mine was his insistence on it without pause. We hadn’t known each other long. But despite the age difference (he was 27 and I 15 older), the cultural/religious barrier, socioeconomic challenge, we did work as a couple.
One of my most cherished memories was holding his hand, looking at him, and bonding over “Angels and Demons”. It was love, I know it.
But with the marital impasse widening the chasm between us, it couldn’t last. He would get nasty, we kept breaking up/making up, and I felt completely shut down. I needed to be free.
He let go, moved on rather quickly, and married. I remained bitter, and to my horror, became the psycho ex-girlfriend. I would just show up where he worked, goading him, I began to date (read: hook up) out of rage.
I went through a lot of heartache, all the while clinging to hope that maybe someday we would reunite. I filled up my world with all sorts of “noise”: skype chat, annoying people, busyness, and so in my “quest” for independence, I actually once again became enslaved.
I realized that 2 days ago when I found myself slipping back into familiar territory. Young Turk, 20’s, needy, clingy, and his roomie was the co-worker of Ibo. Bingo! It was like Ganesha had removed yet another obstacle.
It was all about my unwillingness to let go of Ibo. And once I did, and gave up all the “righteous” illusions, I am at peace. A thorn has been removed from my heart. And only I could do it.
I don’t feel that desperate need to find someone else, because Ibo even showed me, through reaching out to me, that he isn’t the monster I built him up to be. His only crime was that he dared move on without me.