A reduction 

So, we just recently went through a layoff. It happened so fast, cold. It was one woman who is here for over 35 years, another one who is here about 30, and they were both told to leave without taking one item. These were trustworthy, good people. Then, I learned of the others. About 15 in total. I still feel like I’m walking through molasses, that shock you get after a car accident, when things are grey and you can’t fully hear, it’s more distant, like voices from down a hallway. 

I’m gonna miss these people, some I was looking forward to seeing their retirement party. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. There’s this common misnomer that as you age, because of the effort put in, life won’t give out as bad hardships. You know that’s bullshit, right? 

I’m well aware of this as I am on the precipice of my 50s. And I feel a nudge to go reading at the library, polishing off business guides for older folks. Because I can’t kid myself that something wicked this way may come.

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13 Reasons Why?

Then I got distracted. My sister died suddenly, unexpectedly. My mother also died pretty quickly. So, you can probably guess why I didn’t want to finish this book & why I’ve made a half hearted effort to read it. 

I did watch a few episodes of the series, however, even the finale. I was struck by how sensitively and jarringly accurate they portrayed the effects of suicide ( and a rape survivor’s reporting of what happened to her). 

I was shocked by how her hs counselor failed her. He asked the typical bs questions many of us face when reporting: did you fight back, did you say no, blah fucking ignorance blah. That only serves to put up a further wall of shame between the survivor and the person questioning her. 

Even though I didn’t finish the show, I did get the gist of what was happening to the characters. 

Only once, did I experienced someone that I knew who committed suicide. She jumped off a parking garage in 1999, and was unidentified for quite a while. 

I think this is one of the best shows of this ever covered so many topics want to comes to teens. It’s ironic that my own daughter does not have any interest in seeing this. But I suspect that comes from the losses that both of us have experienced lately. My worry is she also identifies with the main character, Hannah. 

I think the experts that are crying for caution and not to watch the show have their heads in the sand. This is about teens, this is not about you. I wish when I was a teen back in the 80s that I had had something like this to rely on. Because regardless of if our frontal lobe’s haven’t fully developed yet, as the show trying to portray, we all need to feel that we’re not alone. That is what I wanted most of all. 

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Orphaned Adult

It happened a little over two weeks ago. My mother, after a complicated recovery from heart surgery, passed away suddenly in a nursing home, after just being there for several days. 

She went into the hospital while I was on vacation in Florida in April. I got the call, but was told not to come back because she was going to just have a simple procedure. Well, two days after that I found out the procedure was not going to happen as her condition was much more grave. 

Basically, my brother was given a decision: either let my mom pass away naturally, or go through open heart surgery. He opted for the surgery, naturally, because who would let their mom die right? 

I’m going to spare you too many details, but essentially she had a very bad recovery. She had a stroke right after the operation, and for two months was unable to communicate with us. In fact, she was in varying stages of a coma. And she was shuttled to different treatment centers. 

Along the way, she developed MRSA, an infected chest incision, and a back bed sore.  She also had to be fed by a PEG tube, and needed breathing support. 

I have come to find out quite a lot about the medical industry, and it’s incredible bungling in handling the elderly. Breaks my heart to know that my mother lived as a strong woman, and it died so weak in bed. 

I could give all the reasons as to how she ended up there, but right now I just know that I am in incredible pain. It would be unfair to speak ill of the dead. It’s incredibly strange that I just come home from work, and I just sit. It’s like I just can’t believe it. And it’s not just the loss of a parent, it’s the loss now of both. 

There is no experience quite as stunning as one there is nothing wear something has always been. – The Orphaned Adult

I know in my heart, but I want to get back to life. I have a lot more time now. I want to get back to going back to the gym, lose all this excess stress weight I’ve been carrying around worrying about her and filling out endless paperwork. I’ll get there.

But I am acutely aware of how alone I am. And how alone I feel. I was a very lucky person when my daughter was young, because I could count on my mother to watch her when I was going to work. My father was also there. I can’t tell you how much Family means to me. Now it’s just myself, my brother, my sister, and my daughter. It’s almost too painful to speak of.

People at work were so supportive and they are in my immediate time of grief. I still get people walking up to my desk. But then one friend told me that three months I’m really going to feel it. I don’t doubt it for a second.

I know how lucky of been that she’s been there my whole life. Just like my father. I’ve met people who’ve had to bury parents when they were themselves just beginning their adulthood. Or in the case of my ex-husband, at 9. 

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Success and then some 

My first weigh-in & I’m down 4.2. Rawr!! I was super nervous about a party I was going to, in fact I was going to not go, but I decided that if I’m really serious about this life change I need to go to places where food choices and situations won’t always be catered to me. And so I went to this party and I had quite an awakening. I mostly drink sparkling water and then I had a glass of wine. The world didn’t end. 

I even tried dessert. And I stuck to fruit and that was it. I did try some other desserts but I only had one bite of each and threw them out. That was my choice I didn’t do it because I thought that I had to. I didn’t want to finish them. And that is quite an epiphany.

I watched he saw other women eating and drinking and excusing their behaviors while lamenting the fact that they need to lose weight. I thought that doing those behaviors would’ve been in direct contradiction to what I am trying to accomplish. If I want to avoid diabetes, I’m going to do it. I don’t want to go back. I have been worried that my attitudes may get me into a situation where I am orthorexic . 

I’m also worried about what triggers will set me off on a binge. I did try some pizza this week but it was vegetable and organic. In the past, I have a list of foods that were off-limits. At least for a little while I wouldn’t eat them. Now, I find the focus is more on what will keep me healthy. And that has made all the difference.

It’s much easier now to avoid sugar, dairy, processed foods, even pork. I’m hopeful. 

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Thoughts on my longest journey

Over the years, I’ve been on many diets and eating plans. The Grapefruit Diet, Nutrisystem, The Zone, South Beach, Slim Fast, and supplements, gimmicks galore. 

In the past few years, i’ve turned to weight watchers. Wow that plan has worked several times, I can’t help but notice that something must be missing as my weight keeps coming back. And I realize that all of the low-fat point plus items I picked out are not going to get me where I need to go as long as I’m not getting the nutrition I need. And that is the key here.

A holistic approach is best. I’ve been watching several documentaries that it really touched my heart, I have also brought quite an awareness to the front. Are used to think that an item was good just simply because it was lower fat or marked with diet or anything that seemed healthy. I am now learning that while they look and taste good, there nothing more than filler and junk. Edit

I remember at one weight watchers meeting, the leader talking about for those hunger days having mixed vegetable cabbage soup. And now I’m thinking, why would you be so hungry if you’re getting the nutrition you need. 

But besides that, what about exploring what’s going on inside to make me Think I am not as good? I’ll tell you want. I’ve had two very difficult years where I’ve had to adjust to some trying family circumstances. Those have caused me to really challenge my own ability to lead. I’ve had to take on responsibilities I didn’t  think I could handle. But I did. Unfortunately in the process, I’ve put on some weight. 

In talking with my friends, I’ve chosen not to make this focus about numbers or about a size. Those things separate us. I need unity, and I need support. And I also want to be there for others. But first I must be there for myself.

Over the years I’ve heard so many things when it comes to eating. I’ve had my bout with the stop the insanity plan. But every single one of these plans is nothing more than just a gimmick. It’s a swindle in order to separate you from your money, At the expense of your self-esteem. Because inevitably the truth is that these plans are temporary. My desire is that if I cannot follow something that I’m not going to use in every day life, it’s not worth my time or my money.

And also it’s important to note that your body will crave what it needs to survive. Just watch documentaries like overfed and under nourished, may I be frank, hungry for change, and fed up. 

Sugar will always be a temptation for me. But the biggest challenge for me is emotional. I have my share of self-loathing and fears. A few years ago, I had some “friends” who truly betrayed me and broke my trust. It’s left a deep scar that I’m working on healing. I shut myself off from anything I didn’t seem safe. It’s work to open myself up again. I will get there. 

In the back of my mind, I started diet plans with the idea that this would be for a while until I get to where I want to be and then I can relax. No I realize that health is not about a size it’s about a state of mind and it stayed in your body. I want to take every effort to make sure that I’m here for as long as I can. And I want to beat the diabetes in my family. Lucky to say I don’t have it yet but I could.

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Well today I almost lost it in the store when I got hungry. I wanted something sweet, a dessert. But I grabbed a Tofutti and went home. 

  1. I became flummoxed when I needed a hair spray. Where the hell do I get organic hair spray? These weren’t questions I asked myself a week ago. 
  2. Started watching Fed Up, Hungry for Change, and May I be Frank. One thing I’m sure I have as an issue is sugar. Though I’ve been cutting down on it. Still feeling twitchy. 
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Going clean 4 days in

Yesterday, in addition to the weakness I’ve felt, I had a migraine (aura) late in the day. My brother has advised me to get Gatorade zero because I need to boost my electrolytes. I feel so good, but also weird. Brain fog, a little twitchy and cranky. I’ve cut my sugar way tell down and my body is rebelling. 

I also had a crying jag yesterday. It was major. In the past year, I hadn’t grieved over losses. I was being too rigid. 

Gas is a daily occurrence. Thunder from down under. I don’t miss the trips to Starbucks for an artisan fatso sandwich. Lol. 

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