I realize that I hadn’t posted in 2 years, and wanted to discuss what had happened in between then and now, and just a warning: this contains some dark stuff, because I didn’t want to talk about how my mental health took a spiral when I first moved into my apartment.
Before I moved in, I was in a very bad place. I had lost 3 family members in less than 2 years, had to somehow sort through all of my mom and dad’s old stuff, consolidate, sell it off–and I had to do that on my own as my brother was contending with other stuff and he & I weren’t in the best place with each other. Things were happening too fast for me to get a grip on, I was in survival mode and some of my decisions weren’t the best. One of those bad decisions was moving in with a longtime friend.
I was suicidal. I had been making attempts ever since I signed the lease, before I moved in. And those attempts continued after I moved in. I felt like I had no one and that I was going to end up on the street. My self-esteem had never been terrific my whole life, and I had bought into the self-hating bullshit my mom had foisted on me that I would never succeed, I can’t afford a place on my own, blah blah. I go to the top of the parking garage and just exude hopelessness, wondering if I could just jump from here.
I called suicide hotlines, making my number anonymous, but one guy traced it and called me back. I’ll never forget that. I could tell I got to him, and then I just kept feeling guilty for making someone else upset like that. He made me feel like I mattered. I found a Peer line, and I called them almost every single day.
My therapist promised me she would never call the authorities unless I made a plan, so I was able to be real with her. That helped immensely.
My kid and I were fighting a lot. It became physical. One night, I’d finally had enough of being slapped around and pushed her. She slammed me into the wall so hard I ended up with bruises on one arm, and then she cried and I forgave her. Both of us were so raw with each other because of the abuse we’d had to endure at my friend’s house.
I stopped eating regularly. My nerves were so shot from worry, projecting, awfulizing, and the future that I imploded. My clothes were hanging on me, and I didn’t buy any because I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to afford them.
I became obsessed with conserving electricity, gas, hot water to an unnatural degree. I wouldn’t use our AC for the first summer. I screamed about lights being left on, I couldn’t function when we were out shopping, couldn’t make decisions, I don’t know if this was a nervous breakdown but it was the closest I ever came.
I kept trying to be friends with a gaslight and toxic abuser. I figured I had to make nice because we still worked together as pet sitters, worried that she’d try to smear my rep because I knew that she was stealing clients from the pet sitting company, and I still worked for the independent company she created. But inside, I was gone, checked out. She would say I was a drama queen, but all I wanted to do was get away. She works her 2 jobs like it’s an addiction and looks down on anyone not doing the same as her. I couldn’t believe that she was so tone deaf as to not understand why I couldn’t be there for her when she went through a health scare that fall after I moved out. It wasn’t in me. I had checked out, was numb.
She tried once more to reel me back in by offering to pay me $3k if I’d move into her town, into an apartment building her father managed, but said,” I’d own you.” Of course I refused. The whole shadiness of it all, that I was away from her control, came to fruition in my mind. Inch by inch, I was getting my power back. I’d never go back.
Finally, when she made plans for lunch when I was on jury duty and then never told me she had canceled until I called her in the cafe, I let go. And after seeing her baiting nasty tweets about me, I finally got even. I put up and pinned it:
On #GoodRiddanceDay, I would like to offer up a long-standing friendship near & dear that turned terribly toxic. U took pleasure in hurting me and my child, still u cry victim. U & ur husband are assholes dressed up as nice people. Thankful for the good times, leaving the rest.
It felt so good to put that up and out there. And of course as soon as I spoke out, I was afraid for reprisal. But it was up long enough for her to see it, and immediately, I was removed from her company, her Facebook, etc. Ha!
I want to make clear that I am no longer suicidal, have a great support system and feel a freedom I can’t fully express.