Something I needed to do

In April, I got a hysterectomy. It was the necessary culmination of years of suffering. My only mistake was foolishly thinking that waiting would be rewarded with a straight path into menopause.

It began almost 7 years ago. My periods got heavier, I had to plan my clothing, pads, cup around that time. I started charting using an app. It never occurred to me that having to deal with such heavy, overwhelming menstrual flow, and all the symptoms that came with it were indicating there were problems going on.

It finally came to a head when I had to go to the ER back in October ‘22. My flow was the heaviest it’s ever been, and I was getting dizzy. It wouldn’t stop.

Turns out I had a massive fibroid, about the size of a grapefruit, cystic ovary, precancerous cervical changes involving lesions & a mass of “whorled cut clustered fibroids”.

I met with a new, highly recommended Gyno, who referred me to an excellent surgeon. He performed a DaVinci laparoscopic hysterectomy with an abdominal conversion (my uterus was huge, the fibroid had grown even larger), also removed my tubes, cervix, and left ovary.

I recovered at home for 6 weeks. It was a slow process. I’m glad that I did it, recovery was smooth & I was told that I had a good chance of it becoming cancerous had I not taken action.

It took me a while to realize that I put others first way too many times. I had of my own health, ahead of my own needs, and definitely ahead of my financials. It felt good to choose me.

Are we back to normal yet?

It’s been two years since we had to lock down. Two years since so many of my coworkers were furloughed then months later, let go. My teen never returned to continue their senior year of hs, lost all those last-minute moments: the parties, the prom, the graduation.

I never got to work from home. That’s not within the scope of my job. Did I envy those that did? Hell yeah, but I also witnessed their phobias grow when it came time to return.

One coworker made a hasty decision to buy a home out in the country, not expecting that within months he’d be expected to return. He’s never recovered.

I see extremes on both sides. People not wearing masks after this time, and those that won’t stop wearing them. What is the right answer? When the CDC keeps changing its mind it’s hard to come to a middle ground.

I still don’t feel safe. late last year, after the booster shot and both vaccines, my child and I got it. Granted, it was a milder form of the infection and we were just lay low for about a week but we didn’t know that for sure.

so, what is the right answer? Our whole lives have been disrupted in so many ways. some people at my job have retired early, a few friends of mine have moved for job related reasons. God I feel for those who have school-aged children.

I just don’t believe that things are going to “go back to normal“. We’ve got to adjust to a new normal. personally, I like the zoom meetings now. I love Instacart, I love the food delivery. I’ve got to work hard about coming out of my shell and actually going to a physical place to do shopping.

This time apart from others has reinforced my own love of not being part of the crowd. But I feel like I’m missing something. And it’s because I’m grieving. I’m not grieving because I lost someone, but I did lose 2 years & I keep forgetting that they’re behind me. Somehow I keep thinking that they’re going to be there again someday.

In a different place…

I feel like I must write this post. But I must open my heart and be real. I’m facing a reality that I feared would come to pass for three years now. Back then, Life was jarring. I started to come to terms with the fact that the person I knew is my best friend was a toxic abusive rageaholic, who spared neither her husband nor I (not even my child) her tirades.

I began terrified. But I was also excited about my new life. Mostly, I was relieved to be able to have my own space. That intensive happiness has never left me since. 

However, there was a lot to get through emotionally. I felt abandoned, I had bills to pay that I didn’t have before, and I was also a budding middle-aged woman who had never truly lived without The Safety net of her parents’ support. I’ve always been a late bloomer. Now, Both my parents were gone. My sister and my ex-husband to whom I was close with.

But I digress…I’ve learned to really pat myself on the back and it’s still a struggle with my self-esteem to not put myself down or compare myself to others. I’m struggling now but in a different sense. Two weeks ago I filed for bankruptcy.

I’m going through the holiday season without being able to buy multiple presents for people, even afford a real tree, I regularly go to a soup kitchen for groceries. I have no credit to my name at the moment. what I do have is a lot of debt. Most of it is medical, and it was unanticipated.

I am grateful for the help of friends and family. I’m embarrassed that I’m going to be surrendering my car when it which I’ve had for six years in about a month. I can’t work at standing jobs any longer because of my knees. But I am very blessed to have a full-time job where things are flexible.

In the beginning, I saw a lawyer. Actually I never saw him at all I met with his paralegals. The fee was $1750. I was barely making my rent so I knew this was out of the realms of possibility. So, I looked into upsolve. It’s a great tool, but it’s not without its problems. If I could do it again, I would choose to go with an attorney just so it would be worry free.

I have become used to existing in a frame of mind of constant emergency. There have been a few respite times. Living on your own is very hard, more so if you never got the chance to experience it at an earlier age. I clung to a safety net and didn’t really plan for my future. Mostly because I was terrified of it. Did I mention I deal with anxiety as well?

Did I mention that the vehicle I am surrendering is a brand new model? At least six years ago it was. I couldn’t afford it then and I can’t afford it now. I got stuck into an expensive lease from a shady dealer, so the ice water down the back feeling that propelled me through my days since began then.

I’m nervous at the prospect of taking the bus in a Covid era but I am fully vaccinated. I’m stoic as a face my fate. I’m not running from it any longer. I know new challenges will pop up. But I really want to enjoy the feeling of not bearing crushing debt or the fear of being sued and having your wages garnished.

I wonder what it will feel like. Looking forward to the next 90 days.

New year, new president

In early November ’20, when the world learned about Biden/Harris’s incredible win, I ran into the streets along with my townspeople for an impromptu celebration (mask on of course). I filmed it as I went, and was so buoyed by the incredible cohesiveness (especially in a time of covid, seeing people together like this was invigorating).

Of course, I expected the inevitable pushback from the GOP and the Trump administration. But in the end, their scores of lawsuits couldn’t merit enough of a case for even the Supreme Court to care and plans were being made for Biden to be certified.

Then…last week happened. I was off that day, watching tv and then boom! They stormed the capitol building and the counting/certification process was halted. People were evacuated..it seemed no one was protecting the security of the people inside and the building. One officer later died. One later committed suicide.

The speaker of house’s office was ransacked. Her podium stolen. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Our enemies were watching as well.

And Trump let it happen. Action was taken…late. Pence took over the voting process and it resumed. He was certified finally.

Now I am worried for my kid as she attends a nearby university.

I have fought with in-laws, some Facebook friends, and have cut out a few because I’m sick of reasoning with insanity. Enough already.

I hope inauguration goes off without a hitch, and that our National Guard comes in and protects the process of democracy.

A senior year, lost

So, I just heard that they’re closing the schools in NJ for the remainder of the school year. I’m so sad for my hard working senior, all of her friends, who will be denied the parties, the celebrations of this exquisite right of passage.

Lately, I just feel so hollow. Removed. Under the waves. Been cleaning stuff out. I went through my phone and tried freeing up space. It’s a long process.

I came across messages from my former friend, when I shared her space, chiding me over something stupid, blaming only myself and my child for clogging their shower drain (like her and her husband don’t have hair on their heads), the text throwing us out of their home, and demanding I go over a client’s house and apologize. Gawd!!! I don’t miss that one bit.

But, like my daughter’s senior year, I am removed from that. It’s gone, and I see her pettiness in those texts and am just feeling pity.

Some housekeeping

I realize that I hadn’t posted in 2 years, and wanted to discuss what had happened in between then and now, and just a warning: this contains some dark stuff, because I didn’t want to talk about how my mental health took a spiral when I first moved into my apartment.

Before I moved in, I was in a very bad place. I had lost 3 family members in less than 2 years, had to somehow sort through all of my mom and dad’s old stuff, consolidate, sell it off–and I had to do that on my own as my brother was contending with other stuff and he & I weren’t in the best place with each other. Things were happening too fast for me to get a grip on, I was in survival mode and some of my decisions weren’t the best. One of those bad decisions was moving in with a longtime friend.

I was suicidal. I had been making attempts ever since I signed the lease, before I moved in. And those attempts continued after I moved in. I felt like I had no one and that I was going to end up on the street. My self-esteem had never been terrific my whole life, and I had bought into the self-hating bullshit my mom had foisted on me that I would never succeed, I can’t afford a place on my own, blah blah. I go to the top of the parking garage and just exude hopelessness, wondering if I could just jump from here. 

I called suicide hotlines, making my number anonymous, but one guy traced it and called me back. I’ll never forget that. I could tell I got to him, and then I just kept feeling guilty for making someone else upset like that. He made me feel like I mattered. I found a Peer line, and I called them almost every single day.

My therapist promised me she would never call the authorities unless I made a plan, so I was able to be real with her. That helped immensely.

My kid and I were fighting a lot. It became physical. One night, I’d finally had enough of being slapped around and pushed her. She slammed me into the wall so hard I ended up with bruises on one arm, and then she cried and I forgave her. Both of us were so raw with each other because of the abuse we’d had to endure at my friend’s house.

I stopped eating regularly. My nerves were so shot from worry, projecting, awfulizing, and the future that I imploded. My clothes were hanging on me, and I didn’t buy any because I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to afford them.

I became obsessed with conserving electricity, gas, hot water to an unnatural degree. I wouldn’t use our AC for the first summer. I screamed about lights being left on, I couldn’t function when we were out shopping, couldn’t make decisions, I don’t know if this was a nervous breakdown but it was the closest I ever came.

I kept trying to be friends with a gaslight and toxic abuser. I figured I had to make nice because we still worked together as pet sitters, worried that she’d try to smear my rep because I knew that she was stealing clients from the pet sitting company, and I still worked for the independent company she created. But inside, I was gone, checked out. She would say I was a drama queen, but all I wanted to do was get away. She works her 2 jobs like it’s an addiction and looks down on anyone not doing the same as her. I couldn’t believe that she was so tone deaf as to not understand why I couldn’t be there for her when she went through a health scare that fall after I moved out. It wasn’t in me. I had checked out, was numb.

She tried once more to reel me back in by offering to pay me $3k if I’d move into her town, into an apartment building her father managed, but said,” I’d own you.” Of course I refused. The whole shadiness of it all, that I was away from her control, came to fruition in my mind. Inch by inch, I was getting my power back. I’d never go back.

Finally, when she made plans for lunch when I was on jury duty and then never told me she had canceled until I called her in the cafe, I let go. And after seeing her baiting nasty tweets about me, I finally got even. I put up and pinned it:

On #GoodRiddanceDay, I would like to offer up a long-standing friendship near & dear that turned terribly toxic. U took pleasure in hurting me and my child, still u cry victim. U & ur husband are assholes dressed up as nice people. Thankful for the good times, leaving the rest. 

It felt so good to put that up and out there. And of course as soon as I spoke out, I was afraid for reprisal. But it was up long enough for her to see it, and immediately, I was removed from her company, her Facebook, etc. Ha!

I want to make clear that I am no longer suicidal, have a great support system and feel a freedom I can’t fully express.

 

The weirdness that is Covid

It’s so strange living in these pandemic times. I don’t know why we didn’t see this coming. I had H1N1 back in 2009, it was rough but I got through it. I can’t tell you how scary it is to see people in my own age group (50s) felled from this virus.

And strangely, a few weeks ago I had a text from someone who is an acquaintance telling me that my former friend got this. I felt stunned, it was shared in a gossipy way “I know you don’t talk to her anymore, but I just thought you should know.” Ok. I just realized that this person I’d casually chatted with must still be in the loop with her, so my info must’ve been shared. I felt an electric shock like when you know an abuser has your address. It jolted me. Can’t trust that acquaintance, so I said nothing. Detach.

I feel so bad for my kid who is about to graduate & has to sacrifice those precious moments to this thing. I’m so glad she has a future lined up with a great university. She’s looking ahead, which is hopeful. But this staying inside is bad for her, she’s desperate to communicate with her friends. I have begun to realize we are not just staying home for a month or (two mandated now), but longer. How is this going to impact her mental health?

I’m fortunate enough to be able to go into work every day, not one of the many furloughed or laid off, the rest working from home. It’s a strange experience, seeing so many off the road, the quiet commute there & back. All these Zoom meetings I go to.

Still, I have hope.



Endings, and not just 2018

2018 was a pretty good year, but for me, it has been most filled with positive growth. And that growth has also been through pain. After having frustrating dealings with sharing a home (with my friend and her husband), it came to a head in late January, culminating with my daughter and I being asked to move out (sent by text, no less).

I descended into panic mode and had to report almost daily on my progress. I knew they were moving as well (across town), and I wasn’t about to be a lay about. Netflix was restricted to password access only, so even on my downtime neither I nor my daughter were permitted access. It was most hard on her, as she would most likely have to move out of her school district (and we ended up having to do just that in the end).

So, after many viewings, we found a place, and it turned out to be a great one. The best part has been that unlike my “friend”, who leans on connections to get ahead, I got this one on my very own. To be fair, the only contribution was a reference letter.

Moving day was interesting, but went smoothly. However, I was badgered to return to pick up other “stuff”, and then her husband started ladling things that weren’t ours into my car. I stopped him, but he was in a frenzy. I ended up bringing most of it to the town dump.

I see now that perhaps my biggest mistake in all this was living with them in the first place. And before anyone criticizes, let me first say that I did so at their invitation. I never asked.

Just a few weeks after moving in, our first fight happened. She commanded both I and her husband to get in her car and we all headed to the park, where she proceeded to stomp and scream about how she was being unfairly treated. Later on she told me that she didn’t care how I had *just* lost my mother, but my depression was making her depressed. It was at this time that I pushed my grief inward. I realized that it was not safe to express my sorrow anywhere near her (it also caused me to lose myself). But it was too late to get back the apartment that I had put my deposit down on, sadly.

When my daughter lost her dad a year later, she also regarded her with a short fuse and shouted at her shortly thereafter. I’m ashamed to admit that I stayed even with this. The kind, open person I had known for over 20 years had become a stranger to me, even worse than that, an enemy, someone who held more value for stray animals than she did people. I’m proud to say that this one part has caused me (and my daughter) to get more involved with the homeless and needy.

This isn’t a woe is me tale, nor do I plan on it being so. I’ve gained a lot of strength from going through the pain and heartbreak of this last chapter in my friendship with this person.

Over the summer, she developed an illness, and felt I wasn’t present for her during it. I was extremely busy, working several jobs, and hey–why the fuck should I be there for someone who enjoyed hurting me? Why I still held onto our friendship even then is beyond me. She gave me putdowns like extolling the joy she got now that we had moved out, how her relationship with her husband was better than it ever had been, yadda yadda.

I finally ended it (or shall I say, we mutually walked away) in December, early in the month, when I just stopped all communications. She did as well, it was wonderful the peace that came over me from just stopping the insanity. I wish I had just ended things back when I first moved, but I was weak and afraid.

I’ve since apologized to my daughter, who couldn’t understand why I kept going back to someone like her. I’ve since examined why I did just that, and combined with habit, I have a history of having friendships with abusive women (though not all, happy to say). It stems from childhood, my mother in particular.

Onto other things, I also took on a seasonal part-time job working at the stadium, in concessions, and found I was tougher than I gave myself credit for. It was fun, but also grueling. But now I know what the 3 sinks are for in restaurants, as well as the correct temps for food, displays, alcohol compliance, working fast. It was really an experience.

I’m working on an e-book for 2019, don’t want to give away all the details yet, but it centers around growth and overcoming fear. Not another self-help book, I assure you.

Aching and grieving

I tried. It wasn’t mine to make up for, but her brusque manner coupled with my nervousness n neediness made it a perfect recipe for my destruction. However, after last week, officially a week ago, I began to let go.

When she didn’t show for jury duty lunch….it hurt. Later that day when the passive aggressive tweets began, I felt like I was living back in her house again and she had jerked the closed door open, ignoring my privacy. It was jarring, abusive.

My brother urged me not to respond. But I unfollowed her. She’s still writing zingers. All because I won’t give her attention. I just can’t go back to that place, that hurt. That fear, the anxiety had me unable to sleep or eat and she’s relentless.

When I am without her, I am at peace. I feel my world working right.

But tonight I had to admit I am mourning what was. We had a good long run. But I cannot welcome back someone who took a friendship with my daughter and ruined it. She hurt my baby, and I can’t forgive that. I am mad that I was weak, but I need to be free of her hooks & control.

We were like sisters.

Mutterings of Fall

It took awhile, but I’ve settled nicely into my new place. Been here a few months, and I love the peace I find, not having to answer to anyone else. I am starting a new life here, and I am liking how things are going.

I’ve got a few gigs I’m doing on the side besides my main, and recently I’ve become aware of how important it is to know your worth. I spent most of the summer working 24/7, well, the 7 part is most accurate. It was mostly adrenaline, fear pumping me forward. And so far, its been working in my favor.

I’m cautiously hopeful.